The Big Leap

Yes, I was cold. But I didn’t notice at the time. All I could think about was if I should jump or not. It was a cool August day and I would start my freshman year of high school next week. As a kind of last “hoorah” for the end of the summer, my “friends” and I took a hike up to the Snake River in the mountains. We had been there many times before and observed as the older kids faced their fears and jumped of the tall, old, rusting bridge into the raging water. We would watch them crash into the river and hold our breaths along with them until we saw their heads pop up. Many jumped more than once. Now my friends wanted me to do it as well. I had always sworn I would never do it. Although my heart was beating out of my chest, I knew that I had it in me to jump. But would I actually do it?

It was the only way I could find out who I really was. If I had the courage to do this, I could finally let go of my past and start a new beginning. I had always been so shy and stuck in my shell. I was starting high school in a week. Is it possible to be someone different from who you were while still maintaining somewhat of an identity? I looked over to my best friend Becca in hope of some assurance. She knew me better than anyone else and had kept quiet as the group was urging me to “just jump.”

I could tell by the look in her eyes that she was scared as well. She had decided upon our arrival that she would not jump. In fact, the whole group decided they wouldn’t go through. Yet for some reason, they wanted me too. Maybe they wanted to live through me. Maybe they could see the part of me that wanted to change. But for whatever reason, they were extremely convincing. Despite my extreme internal dilemma, I decided to get it over with. Without warning I closed my eyes and I let go.

The last thing I remember was hitting the water, I felt a rough sharp pain and when I finally opened my eyes I was in the hospital. Did this really happen? I had finally decided to change and change I would, but not in the way I had wanted. The doctors told me I was lucky to be alive. All I could feel was pain. Pain had taken over my body in place of my indecisiveness and my subsequent rash decision. I could not talk with the tube in my throat. I was lacking any way of communicating, as I could not even move my arms to write for the pain was too much. The nurse came in, did something to my IV, and I quickly altered into a deep narcotic daze.

I fell into the sweet escape of my own dreams. I was playing outside with my little sister. I could run and the massive and painful gash in my head did not exist. Dreams were the only way I could escape my harsh reality. It felt so real; I wanted to stay in this perfect world forever.

I was given a task. A task that was not easy. Although I had a choice, felt I had to deal with what I was given before I could make my own path. It turns out that my young mind had made the wrong decision. I know that I should not have jumped, but I did. I would do anything to take it back. I had seen numerous people over the years jump into that river and come out happy and unscathed. I think that false assurance is what made me follow through with the task. It was that and my undying need to be someone different, to face my fears.

Was it my fault? Somewhat. Was it their fault? No. Accidents happen. I made my own decision. As I woke up from yet another dream three weeks later, I finally came to terms with what had happened. I dreamt that I chose not to jump. The most bizarre thing about the dream is that everything was fine. My friends still liked me and I went on my life as normal. The only problem was that I didn’t like me. Even in my dream, where I subconsciously knew what would happen if I were to jump, I would have rather risked the injury. Although it will be a long road to recovery, I believe that everything happens for a reason. This experience will make me stronger and I will live on. I do not know what is to come but all I know is I definitely have changed, which was my goal in the first place, right?